Your Guide to Appropriate Movie Theater Behavior

As a very frequent moviegoer I have come to follow an in depth list of guidelines dealing with how to behave in a movie theater. Now you may be asking what gives me authority to dictate how others conduct themselves in a public establishment. The answer is nothing. I just know what annoys other people, and unless you like to be passively aggressively hated by a stadium seated room of your peers, I suggest you consider following these guidelines.

Seating Choice:

What may seem like common sense to some in this respect is apparently a mystery to others. Sit where you’d like. But in a mostly empty theater, it’s rude to sit directly in front of other patrons. Not only does it prevent them from putting their feet up, it also imprisons them to hearing your comments and dealing with your cell phone brightness, which I’ll expound upon soon.

With so many previews to sit through it is acceptable for you to be late, unless you have a group of five or more people (four on a weekend night). If this situation can’t be prevented, deal with the bad angle seats that are available. Those who arrived on time have no sympathy for you and will not move down to make room for your tardy clan. If they do agree to move down, they are silently judging you anyway.

Note: The middle seats in a row are less important than you actually realize. It may be worth it to sacrifice that perceived better seat for farther down the row to give yourself some more space between you and potential distractions.

The Usual Suspects:

Obviously cell phones prove to be a huge focus breaker during a movie. But sometimes people “need” to check the cell now and again. If you do have to, turn the brightness all the way down and view the phone underneath a jacket or shirt. Minimal effort on your part to block the light from your neighbors goes a long way.

We’re not supposed to talk, I know. But a comment now and again to your friend in the context of the volume of the movie is okay. Example: a scene with dialogue ends. Cut to a wide shot of a character riding a running horse through the desert. Booming music accompanies it. That is an appropriate time to say that your soda seems a bit flat, not the emotional exchange that’s been building for two hours. And please whisper.

Agree so far? Well it’s about to get controversial. Please continue to bring your young children to the movies. They deserve to experience a golden age in animated features and the constant influx of family friendly entertainment. But they must follow the same rules as the rest of us. That means they can’t wave your bright iPhone around constantly, run through the aisles at will or yell every line from the movie after it’s said. This isn’t your living room. Also, please call the babysitter for shows after 8PM as well as hard PG-13 or R rated material. It’s not meant for the kids and they don’t react well to it. I once witnessed a sold out 10 PM showing of Hellboy II: The Golden Army revolt on a baby because they wouldn’t stop whining and crying. I may or may not have inadvertently started that revolt with a polite request that they please take their baby elsewhere. Then the angry mob chimed in, making it not so polite. Someone yelled, “Come on, this isn’t “Veggie Tales”!” Those are fighting words. Let’s avoid that with your child.

Miscellaneous:

There are a number of less important irksome things to consider. Open crunchy wrappers before the movie starts. Avoid nervous ticks like tapping your foot. That shakes the chairs around you. And general politeness should probably apply all around.

There was an attempt to balance this editorial toward productive tips and stay away from annoyed rant territory. We all like going to the movies. And only YOU can prevent obnoxious theater experiences. Or you can just go to the movies on Monday nights and at 10 AM on Saturday mornings like I do. Nobody else is there.