The Halloween Anti-Monster List

I’m not a fan of horror movies, as you may have noticed from their absence in the review section. But with Halloween quickly approaching it’s worth noting the evolution of horror movies from monsters to overtly gory to intensely creepy. So with that, where did all the monsters go? Well they’re still around. Now and then one of their franchises gets rebooted. The characters also turn up in cartoons or parody roles. But they are most definitely not as creepy as they once were.

In certain cases, these classic monsters are turned completely against type, no longer chasing town folk and grunting. Now they read poetry and play piano. What’s up with that? Here’s our list of least intimidating movie monsters.

Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson)- Twilight

This shmo couldn’t be farther from Dracula. Yes, that’s very noble that he only kills deer for sustenance, (Where was PETA on that one?) but the character is about as intimidating as the Muppet Babies. He sparkles in the sun, he runs like a puppet and his jumping/climbing abilities look like a wannabe Cirque De Soleil performance. Dracula is rolling over in his coffin… which he sleeps in.

Abe Sapien (Doug Jones/David Hyde Pierce)- Hellboy

A very likeable and interesting character, Abe is a rehashing of the Creature from the Black Lagoon. But he’s what would happen if the creature left the lagoon and went and got an ivy-league degree. In context, it works, but when you really think about it, what was wrong with the original uneducated creature.

Sparky- Frankenweenie

A new interpretation, the movie works in redeveloping the original Frankenstein themes. But as a dog, the monster doesn’t do much more than bark, wag and mope. Okay, maybe the last one fits with the original Frankenstein’s monster, but the bull terrier should at least scare people inadvertently.

Sam Wheat (Patrick Swayze)- Ghost

When the shadowy demons kill the bad guys, it’s pretty bad ass. But in the meantime, the film’s ghost, Sam, is nice and compassionate. Films like Ghostbusters teach us that all ghosts are supposed to be mindless jerks. Ghost doesn’t seem to agree with that making the ghost a romantic being. Ugh, that’s a cheesy ghost.

Scott Howard (Michael J Fox)- Teen Wolf

Jacob from Twilight is possibly more embarrassing, but Scott uses his werewolf gift/curse to win basketball games and gain popularity in high school. He should be painfully fighting his condition during the day while terrorizing the villagers, killing farm animals, or something like that!

Well, here’s your Halloween anti-monster list. I’m not saying these are bad movies, but with the exception of Frankenweenie, they would probably be best left for the non-Halloween months. Did we forget any other non-frightening monsters?